How It Is With Us, Right Now

During the day I talk with irene all the time.  It's not continuous - I do work and focus on that when I am working, and I do sleep and do other things that require my attention. Occasionally I talk "to" Irene, but now I mostly talk with her and allow myself to "imagine" her responses (as per my post a few days ago about Irene and irene) and her with me.

This gives me such a great sensation.  I feel like she is close and has her attention on me when I do this, as I have my attention on her.  When I walk the dogs or do dishes I love to have conversations with her.  We talk about the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild; how we are doing as far as getting through all this; what we plan on doing in the afterlife; what I'm doing here with whatever time I have left; we talk about our lives here and things that we went through.   

During these conversations (which, on my end, I speak out loud), we often have a banter that makes me laugh out loud smile broadly with warm appreciation.  I will focus on sweet, fun and happy images of us - her walking with me if I'm walking the dogs, sitting up on the counter if I'm washing dishes, or curled up next to me on the couch.  The conversation can have fun or intimate moments that make me feel like she is right there with me and we're having a real moment together.  

When I meditate this interaction is magnified and extended.  If I'm feeling bad, when I meditate I immediately feel better, usually after I take my first breath.  I can feel her with me, and in my mind we are both right there, either in this world or in hers, and we are both working at making our communication better.  My capacity to envision and imagine her gets better and better. I envision us there, in her world, usually not doing anything spectacular but just spending regular time together which we found so enjoyable here.

When I pray, we pray together.  It makes for a great sensation as well, that of doing something very special together. I imagine her putting her hand on my heart and me holding that hand - it's very peaceful, calming and intimate.  I wish we had done more of this together when she was alive, but really it didn't occur to us because we had our hands and minds full of the challenges of the world.  Now, however, we get to do all we want together, not even limited by my physical world restrictions because we can use the power of our minds to take us anywhere and do anything we want.

While these are not "real" experiences in the sense of tangible phsysicality, they do - over time and the more we do it - provide the same psychological effects of "actually" being with each other.  I feel like we are actually together; I feel like our relationship not only still exists, but is getting even stronger; I feel whole and complete; I feel calm, happy and joyful most of the time; I feel excited and enthusiastic about what we're doing together.  There is no sense of loss or grief the vast majority of the time; there is no worry that we are drifting apart; there is no loneliness; there is very little sorrow of "missing" her, although I do miss her, it's often an anticipatory feeling.  I have no anxiety most of the time about us or our situation because we've already won and now we're just finishing out what time I have left here in as positive and good a fashion as we can.