Beyond Mere Appreciation
There's an emotion I feel often which I refer to as the sensation of coming into frequency contact with Irene. It began many months ago, if you go back and read the blog, as a panic-attack like feeling in my upper chest and throat, but it wasn't entirely a bad feeling - I immediately thought it felt like Irene was close and it was affecting me negatively because of my grief and sorrow.
As time has progressed, that sensation has slowly changed, no longer triggering my grief or intense feelings of loss or self-pity. I've thought about how to try to describe it, and I'm going to give it a shot here.
Most of the sensation is a powerful sense of appreciation borne of loss of that which I value most. It is not just "appreciation", which is a great feeling in itself, but it is a form of appreciation that is very deep and meaningful, an appreciation you can only have after losing that which you love the most. It is only then that you can know how much that which is gone meant to you on every level of your being. Every single thing that you ever took for granted (which we all naturally do over time) or became used to comes into complete, stark focus.
When Irene crossed over, every thing she touched became a beacon of the lack of her presence. Every smile, every habit, every nuance, every word suddenly had more value to me than winning the lottery.
So, there is profound appreciation at the root of this emotion. There is also a surge of joy because I know it is her directing more of her attention my way, or becoming more present with me at the time. Of course, there is the love I feel for her - intermixed in with the appreciation, or maybe two aspects of the same thing.
Along with this there is a bittersweet longing. It's not a longing to have her back in this world, or even to be back in younger, healthier times. It is not "missing" her or self-pity. It's a longing to be with her fully and completely, a longing just to be with her sewn into the knowledge that we are and will be together. Yes, that may be sort of a contradiction, but I remember when first met - I longed for her even when I was with her.
Whatever this emotion/sensation is, I know I came here to cultivate it. It is tremendous and it is incredibly beautiful to experience, and I feel it whenever I feel her attention on me, or when I focus my attention on her. To love for eternity in a heavenly realm, this is something I need to have with me, an emotional understanding that will keep me forever in the realization of who she is and what she means to me.
As time has progressed, that sensation has slowly changed, no longer triggering my grief or intense feelings of loss or self-pity. I've thought about how to try to describe it, and I'm going to give it a shot here.
Most of the sensation is a powerful sense of appreciation borne of loss of that which I value most. It is not just "appreciation", which is a great feeling in itself, but it is a form of appreciation that is very deep and meaningful, an appreciation you can only have after losing that which you love the most. It is only then that you can know how much that which is gone meant to you on every level of your being. Every single thing that you ever took for granted (which we all naturally do over time) or became used to comes into complete, stark focus.
When Irene crossed over, every thing she touched became a beacon of the lack of her presence. Every smile, every habit, every nuance, every word suddenly had more value to me than winning the lottery.
So, there is profound appreciation at the root of this emotion. There is also a surge of joy because I know it is her directing more of her attention my way, or becoming more present with me at the time. Of course, there is the love I feel for her - intermixed in with the appreciation, or maybe two aspects of the same thing.
Along with this there is a bittersweet longing. It's not a longing to have her back in this world, or even to be back in younger, healthier times. It is not "missing" her or self-pity. It's a longing to be with her fully and completely, a longing just to be with her sewn into the knowledge that we are and will be together. Yes, that may be sort of a contradiction, but I remember when first met - I longed for her even when I was with her.
Whatever this emotion/sensation is, I know I came here to cultivate it. It is tremendous and it is incredibly beautiful to experience, and I feel it whenever I feel her attention on me, or when I focus my attention on her. To love for eternity in a heavenly realm, this is something I need to have with me, an emotional understanding that will keep me forever in the realization of who she is and what she means to me.
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