Breakthrough?
Yesterday was a really good day - especially considering the day I had before. I had really thought those kinds of grief attacks were a thing of the past. I know I've got grief in me - I can feel it in my heart and throat at certain times every day. It's not like I've been trying to suppress it; it just flashes for a second or two, then subsides.
Yesterday I had firmly in my mind what Irene said about overthinking everything, and assuming too much personal responsibility in trying to astral project and get to her. I stopped thinking that outcomes to my efforts were in my hands - that I could figure them out or even help or hinder them. All I'm supposed to do is what is in front of me to do, and whatever I've signed up for here will unfold. I set my intentions, say my affirmations and let it go, do what is in front of me and let go of everything else.
As yesterday progressed I continued praying/affirming walking around with my hands on my chest and praying out loud (much to the dogs' puzzlement) because it seemed to be really helpful the day before, and it felt right. It seemed to help with that sensation of chest & throat grief blockage. During the course of the day I would point out to my spirit team whenever I felt it and I would try to continue talking or thinking about whatever brought it up. It was scary because I didn't want to have a total grief breakdown again. As I worked to bring whatever it was on up and out, I would start breathing really hard - like panicky gasping - and I felt like I was exhaling the pain instead of experiencing it. Afterward I would be good - really good.
This happened several times yesterday - I'd catch that feeling, keep that thought in mind and talk through it, saying aloud whatever it was that would generate that momentary grief/panic feeling. Sometimes my voice would start breaking and I'd cry a little, but every time I hit that big-volume gasping in and out and then it would be gone. Sometimes I'd have to talk it through a couple of times, but it never delivered any real pain. Just relief when it was gone and I'd be able to talk about whatever that subject was without any negative sensation.
Each time, I felt lighter. Yesterday afternoon and evening one of the things I included in my household "walkabout" prayers and affirmations was that there was no use or value in this grief and pain. There was no reason for me to hold on to it; it didn't help anyone, and it was only blocking and inhibiting our progress. I affirmed that it was all right to let it go - for both of us. If there is anything Irene is holding onto - any regrets or guilt or pain, just let it go. None of it matters now and all it is doing is harm. I also pray to God to dispel it and free us of it. I don't expect it to all just magically disappear, but I feel like we're doing some good work to get rid of as much as we can to make things easier for us.
Yesterday also marked a rather dramatic change in how capable I am of envisioning Irene. Yesterday around 6 pm I sat down to do an envisioning session and for whatever reason I decided to simply focus on envisioning her hands - the look, the feel of her hands. It was really clear and honestly surprising how clearly I felt her hands in mine. I focused on that for several minutes and when I looked up I was almost startled at how clearly I saw Irene's face only a few inches from my own. She was wearing the dark eyeliner she used to wear when we first met, but she was staring straight into my eyes and I could see her eyes perfectly. Even now when I write this it makes my heart and breath race happily.
It was the most incredible envisioning of Irene I've ever experienced. At one point I leaned over to give her a kiss and realized that "I" was the me when we first met - I could see the brim of the black hat that I wore back then and had the long hair from back then. I didn't deliberately set about to envision anything but her hands, the rest just naturally occurred on its own.
I felt so peaceful and relaxed after that, and so connected to her. It was not a "real" experience, but it was way, way more than I've ever been able to visualize before. Later I walked the dogs and I was able to visualize Irene with me outside almost continuously. It almost made me lightheaded it felt so good.
Before going to bed I lay down to do an astral projection sessions, and about 20 minutes in, without me even thinking about it, an envisioned Irene just plopped down beside me, her hand on my chest, smiling at me. In my mind I said, "You're crashing my Astral Projection session" and she lay her head on my shoulder and replied "Mmm hm." in a playful hum. We just lay there for a time. The sensation of her hair, clothes and skin were really clear for an envisioning. I took her hand from my chest and she put her palm flat against mine and we held them there for a few seconds and this memory flooded back to me about how we would do that very thing when we first met - put our palms together and focus on the feeling of of our hand lightly brushing against each other. It was an electric sensation. I had forgotten all about it.
So this morning I'm wondering - was the blocked up pain and grief interfering with my ability to envision Irene all this time? Some part of me wouldn't let me experience that kind of total envisioning because it would trigger a grief breakdown? Did we get rid of enough of it to allow the greater envisioning experience to occur without triggering the sorrow and grief? It seems about right. I'm thinking this is why they say that you have to work through your grief before you'll be able to progress in contacting and meeting loved ones on the other side - some sort of automatic protection system keeps you insulated - whether you consciously want it to or not - from triggering what feel like life-threatening grief experiences.
Yesterday I had firmly in my mind what Irene said about overthinking everything, and assuming too much personal responsibility in trying to astral project and get to her. I stopped thinking that outcomes to my efforts were in my hands - that I could figure them out or even help or hinder them. All I'm supposed to do is what is in front of me to do, and whatever I've signed up for here will unfold. I set my intentions, say my affirmations and let it go, do what is in front of me and let go of everything else.
As yesterday progressed I continued praying/affirming walking around with my hands on my chest and praying out loud (much to the dogs' puzzlement) because it seemed to be really helpful the day before, and it felt right. It seemed to help with that sensation of chest & throat grief blockage. During the course of the day I would point out to my spirit team whenever I felt it and I would try to continue talking or thinking about whatever brought it up. It was scary because I didn't want to have a total grief breakdown again. As I worked to bring whatever it was on up and out, I would start breathing really hard - like panicky gasping - and I felt like I was exhaling the pain instead of experiencing it. Afterward I would be good - really good.
This happened several times yesterday - I'd catch that feeling, keep that thought in mind and talk through it, saying aloud whatever it was that would generate that momentary grief/panic feeling. Sometimes my voice would start breaking and I'd cry a little, but every time I hit that big-volume gasping in and out and then it would be gone. Sometimes I'd have to talk it through a couple of times, but it never delivered any real pain. Just relief when it was gone and I'd be able to talk about whatever that subject was without any negative sensation.
Each time, I felt lighter. Yesterday afternoon and evening one of the things I included in my household "walkabout" prayers and affirmations was that there was no use or value in this grief and pain. There was no reason for me to hold on to it; it didn't help anyone, and it was only blocking and inhibiting our progress. I affirmed that it was all right to let it go - for both of us. If there is anything Irene is holding onto - any regrets or guilt or pain, just let it go. None of it matters now and all it is doing is harm. I also pray to God to dispel it and free us of it. I don't expect it to all just magically disappear, but I feel like we're doing some good work to get rid of as much as we can to make things easier for us.
Yesterday also marked a rather dramatic change in how capable I am of envisioning Irene. Yesterday around 6 pm I sat down to do an envisioning session and for whatever reason I decided to simply focus on envisioning her hands - the look, the feel of her hands. It was really clear and honestly surprising how clearly I felt her hands in mine. I focused on that for several minutes and when I looked up I was almost startled at how clearly I saw Irene's face only a few inches from my own. She was wearing the dark eyeliner she used to wear when we first met, but she was staring straight into my eyes and I could see her eyes perfectly. Even now when I write this it makes my heart and breath race happily.
It was the most incredible envisioning of Irene I've ever experienced. At one point I leaned over to give her a kiss and realized that "I" was the me when we first met - I could see the brim of the black hat that I wore back then and had the long hair from back then. I didn't deliberately set about to envision anything but her hands, the rest just naturally occurred on its own.
I felt so peaceful and relaxed after that, and so connected to her. It was not a "real" experience, but it was way, way more than I've ever been able to visualize before. Later I walked the dogs and I was able to visualize Irene with me outside almost continuously. It almost made me lightheaded it felt so good.
Before going to bed I lay down to do an astral projection sessions, and about 20 minutes in, without me even thinking about it, an envisioned Irene just plopped down beside me, her hand on my chest, smiling at me. In my mind I said, "You're crashing my Astral Projection session" and she lay her head on my shoulder and replied "Mmm hm." in a playful hum. We just lay there for a time. The sensation of her hair, clothes and skin were really clear for an envisioning. I took her hand from my chest and she put her palm flat against mine and we held them there for a few seconds and this memory flooded back to me about how we would do that very thing when we first met - put our palms together and focus on the feeling of of our hand lightly brushing against each other. It was an electric sensation. I had forgotten all about it.
So this morning I'm wondering - was the blocked up pain and grief interfering with my ability to envision Irene all this time? Some part of me wouldn't let me experience that kind of total envisioning because it would trigger a grief breakdown? Did we get rid of enough of it to allow the greater envisioning experience to occur without triggering the sorrow and grief? It seems about right. I'm thinking this is why they say that you have to work through your grief before you'll be able to progress in contacting and meeting loved ones on the other side - some sort of automatic protection system keeps you insulated - whether you consciously want it to or not - from triggering what feel like life-threatening grief experiences.
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