Just When You Think You've Got It Licked
8:00 a.m.
So, after writing up this whole post about how I'm going to refine my technique and set up a schedule, I just did a visualization meditation where I visualize interacting with Irene and she let me know I'm overthinking it again. I'm always trying to fix things that aren't really broken, always trying to improve things that are really working just fine. Just let go of expectations and do what feels right.
3:00 pm.
I think the summer heat and humidity is really doing a number on me - it does every year. I am really messed up today. I've been battling fear and doubt and confusion all day long. I don't understand these emotions or where they come from. I'm thinking all sorts of things that have never even entered my mind before - negative and hurtful things. I've already meditated sitting and lying down several times just to try and get a handle on it. It's weird because it's nowhere near as hot today outside - I should be better off, not worse. I feel completely ungrounded and disconnected from everything.
7:35 pm.
That turned into an full blown day of grief. Fell apart a couple of times, had me on my knees praying, which gave me the strength to walk around the house praying out loud as if I was trying to remove the grief from the house. I mostly walked with my hand on my heart just repeating over and over:
Dear God please remove all fear and all doubt from our hearts, please grant me your grace and joy, please empower my connection to Irene and help us to see, hear and feel each other. Please free us from grief, guilt, regret, sorrow and pain; please drive out all evil, harmful and negative thoughts. Dear God please help me find my way to her; empower me and show me what to do, help me to feel her, to hear her, and to see her. I know she is there; I know she is here with me; I know that is our real life and that is our real home and we have an eternal existence as soul mates there. Please give me the confidence and strength and resolve I need to go forward.
Doing that seemed to greatly alleviate the grief and make me feel somewhat better. Which was good, because it was right after my second trip through the house, which put me in a manageable state, Robert came by and stayed a couple of hours. We watched some YouTube videos. It helped to take my mind off the bad day I was having for a while.
At some point during the day I had opened up her old journal in a desperate attempt to find something that would ease my chaotic, grief-stricken mind. The page I opened it up to was a beautiful page she wrote shortly after we met describing how much she already loved me and how she just wants to go off in her own little world and think about us. I found a handwritten letter tucked away in the journal I hadn't seen before that I had written to her where I told her that "love" wasn't even close to describing what I felt for her, that she was my "magic girl" that had unlocked and opened up parts of me I never wanted to risk again, and feelings I never knew anyone could have. I had given her that and a card that expressed very well what I felt and what she was to me. The letter I gave her on Jan 23, 1990, two weeks after we had met, and I had given her that card on the 24th. I put the letter in the card and then put both in the card's envelope, held it to my heart and sent it to Irene.
Also, the cardinals showed up at the feeders, both male and female but seperately. The female took a position where it looked like she was just gazing inside at me for very long stretches.
After Robert left, I meditated while I had Wheel of Fortune paused, and asked her for a sign - a noise or chirp or something - to show me she was there. I thought I heard a tiny little chirp, but it was very faint. I watched Wheel of Fortune, and felt somewhat comforted by the sense of her presence, and one of the puzzles was "Heartwarming Handwritten Letter"! She was telling me she got the letter and card I had sent earlier. That made me happier than I had been all day.
I have no explanation for what happened today. It was like I just became someone else who had no connection whatsoever to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I was totally confused, frayed, panicky and lost. I'm still feeling nervous, but thankfully I'll be going to bed soon. The good thing is that all during the day I knew I had had better, really great days and that gave me something of an anchor to hold on to to get me through the day. I just don't know how people do it that get no relief from that kind of mind and heart-wrecking pain.
So, after writing up this whole post about how I'm going to refine my technique and set up a schedule, I just did a visualization meditation where I visualize interacting with Irene and she let me know I'm overthinking it again. I'm always trying to fix things that aren't really broken, always trying to improve things that are really working just fine. Just let go of expectations and do what feels right.
3:00 pm.
I think the summer heat and humidity is really doing a number on me - it does every year. I am really messed up today. I've been battling fear and doubt and confusion all day long. I don't understand these emotions or where they come from. I'm thinking all sorts of things that have never even entered my mind before - negative and hurtful things. I've already meditated sitting and lying down several times just to try and get a handle on it. It's weird because it's nowhere near as hot today outside - I should be better off, not worse. I feel completely ungrounded and disconnected from everything.
7:35 pm.
That turned into an full blown day of grief. Fell apart a couple of times, had me on my knees praying, which gave me the strength to walk around the house praying out loud as if I was trying to remove the grief from the house. I mostly walked with my hand on my heart just repeating over and over:
Dear God please remove all fear and all doubt from our hearts, please grant me your grace and joy, please empower my connection to Irene and help us to see, hear and feel each other. Please free us from grief, guilt, regret, sorrow and pain; please drive out all evil, harmful and negative thoughts. Dear God please help me find my way to her; empower me and show me what to do, help me to feel her, to hear her, and to see her. I know she is there; I know she is here with me; I know that is our real life and that is our real home and we have an eternal existence as soul mates there. Please give me the confidence and strength and resolve I need to go forward.
Doing that seemed to greatly alleviate the grief and make me feel somewhat better. Which was good, because it was right after my second trip through the house, which put me in a manageable state, Robert came by and stayed a couple of hours. We watched some YouTube videos. It helped to take my mind off the bad day I was having for a while.
At some point during the day I had opened up her old journal in a desperate attempt to find something that would ease my chaotic, grief-stricken mind. The page I opened it up to was a beautiful page she wrote shortly after we met describing how much she already loved me and how she just wants to go off in her own little world and think about us. I found a handwritten letter tucked away in the journal I hadn't seen before that I had written to her where I told her that "love" wasn't even close to describing what I felt for her, that she was my "magic girl" that had unlocked and opened up parts of me I never wanted to risk again, and feelings I never knew anyone could have. I had given her that and a card that expressed very well what I felt and what she was to me. The letter I gave her on Jan 23, 1990, two weeks after we had met, and I had given her that card on the 24th. I put the letter in the card and then put both in the card's envelope, held it to my heart and sent it to Irene.
Also, the cardinals showed up at the feeders, both male and female but seperately. The female took a position where it looked like she was just gazing inside at me for very long stretches.
After Robert left, I meditated while I had Wheel of Fortune paused, and asked her for a sign - a noise or chirp or something - to show me she was there. I thought I heard a tiny little chirp, but it was very faint. I watched Wheel of Fortune, and felt somewhat comforted by the sense of her presence, and one of the puzzles was "Heartwarming Handwritten Letter"! She was telling me she got the letter and card I had sent earlier. That made me happier than I had been all day.
I have no explanation for what happened today. It was like I just became someone else who had no connection whatsoever to how I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I was totally confused, frayed, panicky and lost. I'm still feeling nervous, but thankfully I'll be going to bed soon. The good thing is that all during the day I knew I had had better, really great days and that gave me something of an anchor to hold on to to get me through the day. I just don't know how people do it that get no relief from that kind of mind and heart-wrecking pain.
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