Love After Life

During the day I talk with irene all the time.  It's not continuous - I do work and focus on that when I am working, and I do sleep and do other things that require my attention. Occasionally I talk "to" Irene, but now I mostly talk with her and allow myself to "imagine" her responses (as per my post a few days ago about Irene and irene) and her with me. This gives me such a great sensation.  I feel like she is close and has her attention on me when I do this, as I have my attention on her.  When I walk the dogs or do dishes I love to have conversations with her.  We talk about the children, grandchildren and our great-grandchild; how we are doing as far as getting through all this; what we plan on doing in the afterlife; what I'm doing here with whatever time I have left; we talk about our lives here and things that we went through.    During these conversations (which, on my end, I speak out loud), we often have a banter that makes me laugh out lo...

I know this might sound strange after reading prior entries, but I really don't consider myself a "spiritual" person.  Unlike a lot of people that believe in and talk about the afterlife, souls, soul-mates, etc., I don't see it all as part of some kind of grand "spiritual advancement" plan where souls learn and grow and become more loving and kind, etc. I don't really consider talking about multiple realities and afterlife dimensions to be any more "spiritual" than talking about other planets, solar systems and galaxies, or talking about parallel quantum universes. If this were a science fiction movie, in my opinion life here on the Earth we're used to would be like a "hologram deck" out of Star Trek that we visit from time to time, and our real life is actually outside of the "holodeck" world we call the physical universe.  It's like a role-playing game we willingly enter in order to have certain kinds of experie...

This morning I feel great again.  I feel like I've figured out some discipline I can use for when my brain starts getting fried.  A couple of good ideas came to me this morning having to do with the blog and the other was about some good Pinterest memes which I've started on. I guess collecting the Pinterest memes and images that resonate with me is a good exercise in intention and finding that which resonates with my vibrational frequency.  I love collecting the ones that remind me of our astral life, home, world and exemplify our relationship - both to ourselves and to the world. There may be some of you that think I'm going off the edge when I talk about realities and different dimensions, but I really don't know how else to characterize the things I've experienced and to reconcile that experience with the experiences of others. I don't know what this world - this reality is - but when you experience some of the bizarre "coincidences" I and ot...

Yesterday's meditations were amazing in that they felt so deep and gave me such a buzzed, "leaving my body" sensation.  This morning I guess the weather pressure has changed because I don't feel brain fried - I feel great!  It's just crazy how different one day can feel from the next even though nothing has changed with regards to what I know and what my views are. This morning irene let me know that some of what I feel doesn't start with me - that she gets to missing me as well in the same way - I'm not "with her" in a tangible sense, even if she can sense me and see me better than I can see her.  Some of the time I'm feeling her missing me.  I realize that even if we were both in the physical and I could talk to her or even video chat, I'd still miss her terribly, which makes me wonder if even being able to visit her tangibly in the astral would put an end to all such feelings.  I suppose it would depend on how often I could do it a...

I've been getting a lot of new information through "irene".  I can't express here enough what that imagined time with her is doing for me now that I believe I am actually connecting to her - it's so satisfying, calming, fun, informative, and it makes me very, very happy.  The information coming in  is extremely interesting.  Yesterday she was telling me about how my "presence" there is still a very light presence, that there are a lot of things there I'm not present enough yet to sense. One thing she said was that our house - the structure, the things in it - when you're fully over there, you can feel these things when you touch them to a much more intense degree than things you touch in the physical world.  She showed me how she used to tell me how she knew what things to get, or what to put in the house or get rid of by how they "spoke" to her. She told me when she first saw this house that it "hugged" her when she walked ...

Memory is also a great example of the tuning process I was talking about yesterday. Usually you can tune in with a simple intention, but sometimes it takes a while to find the memory you want.  Do you have any idea how you are sorting through neurons and brain cell pathways to "find" the memory - if, indeed, the brain is even where they are stored? No, you just focus, the best you can, on what memory you want.  When you don't know what the memory is, you're focusing on something else - like a sensation in your mind. This goes back to the exercise in the video I wrote about here that set this whole chain of events in motion, where he said to stare at your finger before you bend it at try to notice the sensation of "intending". I know exactly what that sensation is - I have it when I'm thinking about "what I should do" or write or draw or how to contact Irene; I can feel myself attempting to tune into a frequency where those things or the path ...

I've been thinking about thought, speech, imagery and focusing attention/intention. I was thinking about what happens when you're talking. Most "talking" is an automatic process -  you're in a conversation and things occur to you to say and you say them. But, do you construct the sentence, or the paragraph, in your mind before talking?  Have you worked out all the words you are going to say, and in what order?  Do you fully work out an idea before saying it or writing it down? The same thing goes on when I'm writing. I'm not thinking out the sentence before I write it, or the whole paragraph before I start.  I haven't even articulated the whole idea in my mind before I feel confident that I've got something "in its entirety" I'm about to express. So, what is going on? I have a sensation in my mind when I'm about to express myself, as if I've found the thought or idea or information I want to express (even without conscious...

Yesterday when I meditated and pursued my new "irene" dialogue (imagined or pretend responses), I did get some surprising, specific and emotion-laden moments.  I also noticed that her side of the conversation isn't really totally neutral sounding - it's of a slightly different tone, than my own in my head. It's slightly closer to Irene's voice than neutral. In one image Irene was dressed like an island girl in a sarong and had white flowers in her hair.  The sarong was white at the bottom but had color at the top. She was tan and had very long, rich dark hair and a really beautiful smile on her face.  She was on the other side of the main pool of our "island home". Seeing her really made me catch my breath and made my heart start racing.  Now, I've seen images of Irene many times in my mind but only a few times do they cause this reaction, and it's always when an image just pops into my mind. I certainly wasn't trying to picture her thi...

No confirmation so far on the stuff I was talking about the other day, but I guess I didn't need it. Or maybe I was just supposed  to make my own decision on it.  I guess I had really already made my decision about it and just wanted support in making it. Anyway, the guy in the video from the other day was talking about how he opened up his ability to speak to the dead.  He was a highly skeptical person and didn't believe that talking to the dead or even spirit guides was possible, so he just pretended to be talking to them in his mind.  If you've ever had a pretend conversation with someone in your mind, you know what I'm talking about.  I would often have long conversations in my head with living people, but it was really just me basically trying to sort something out in my own mind.  Come to think about it, they really weren't "conversations" as much as me, in my head, trying to explain to someone (usually my brother Reed) what I was thinking, and by ...

Apparently we have some bad weather rolling in.  I'm several hundred miles from the Texas coast but hurricane Harvey is apparently already having a widespread effect.  It or something has affected me mentally so I'm basically taking the day off.  We said our prayers and did a couple of short meditations and my brain is so fried that I decided to just watch TV and take it easy from any heavy thinking or responsibilities other than work. One thing that struck me today while meditating, quickly.  I notice it is really easy to imagine certain parts of our "island home" in the astral, and I also noticed a couple of surprising things Irene said and did when I was imagining us together there.  Maybe more about it tomorrow, I just wanted to remind myself here.

Yesterday I watched a really interesting video .  The guy doing the presentation was apparently associated with Lifeline Center as he kept referring to an organization called "LifeLine".  He outlined some of the techniques he used for interacting with those in the afterlife realms and getting information from people on the other side.  I'm still in the process of personally evaluating that information but there are a couple of things that definitely resonated with me. I've talked many times about how what my job is, is to set my intentions.  He had a very nice exercise in understanding, in a very real away, what "setting an intention" means by staring at your finger and paying very close attention to how you feel the instant before you deliberately make it bend forward.  That act - indeed, any deliberate action - is generated by intention and so we have a clear means of focusing on what intention is and what it feels like. While that is worth further in...

The past couple of days, even in the midst of realizing how far I've come in so short a time and being very grateful for it, I've had bouts of a rather strange, negative emotion.  Also I have started feeling a kind of loss of breath, almost like the heart-clutch feeling.  I think I'm actually feeling sorry for myself.  I'm having a difficult time believing this is me - I thought I might be picking up on someone else's feelings in the family, which is why I haven't said anything about it until now.  I was trying to figure out what it was. However, that's really what I don't need to do - try to figure that kind of thing out.  Until I get a clear path on anything set in front of me as the result of my intentions and affirmations, I don't need to do anything, much less try to "figure out" what is going on.  "Figuring something out" isn't an empowering perspective; creating and manifesting what I want to be is the empowering ...

This morning I was thinking more about what I wrote about yesterday and realized that what we've accomplished here in just four months is nothing short of miraculous, every bit as miraculous as it would be for me to astral project and be able to see, hear and touch Irene again. For those of you who may not have ever experienced the kind of grief you experience after the love of your life dies (not necessarily your spouse; it could be a child, parent or someone else), that deep and profound pain is unlike anything else. For many, it ruins everything for pretty much the rest of their lives. As my friend who lost his child told me, you never experience joy again without also feeling the pain of that loss. That kind of grief carries with it an entirely different way of experiencing the world. Even when you feel good, you feel the loss and you also often feel guilty for feeling good. If you aren't thinking about your loved one for even a small time, you're heartbroken about ...

I think it might be because I got into an argument on a blog and those arguments have always left me feeling emotionally drained and somewhat unstable. I really need to stay away from that - I hadn't done any of that in probably a year and I don't even know why I went back to that blog and engaged. Anyway, I got to missing Irene again today, but feeling sad and crying for a few minutes wasn't really a bad thing.  It got me to thinking about how far we've come, what we've accomplished so far in a very short period of time. It's really remarkable when you think about it. As emotionally committed as I am to her, and as constantly together as we were, and as much as she means to me, the fact that now, four months later, I'm fully happy most of the time is nothing short of astonishing.  I can't overstate this.  I should have been completely destroyed by Irene's death.  I should be inconsolable and utterly miserable all day every day.  There have been da...

Another good morning ... feeling great, good prayer and mediation.  I've been affirming that it's okay to feel good, that it's good for both of us and our connection.  Finished up stage three of the self-guided exercises from AREI website and filled out their journal. Later in the evening, after walking the dogs, I started feeling something different - not quite sure what it is.  I think I may be feeling Irene's presence without the heart clutch sensation.  It's very subtle, like a change in the atmosphere for the better, very difficult to quantify.  Thinking about it, I haven't felt the heart clutch today.  My happiness seems fuller somehow. More tomorrow, dead tired right now.

I can't believe how great I feel today. I feel chemically transformed, like I'm someone new. I feel like a young man who just fell in love, like I did when Irene and I first met.  Thinking of her and joining her in the astral world fills me with such excitement and anticipation!  This is the feeling I had for those two weeks just after she died - the time of grace I was given to show me what our relationship could be like even with us in two different dimensions. I just didn't know what it was at the time or how it could possibly come to be real. Yet, here I am, feeling absolutely like the luckiest guy in the universe - I know who the love of my existence is; I know where she is; I know I'll be with her soon; I know we'll be able to spend eternity living our ideal life.  Unbelievable. It's really an amazing feeling. I had no expectation I could actually get to this point.  I don't know if it will last, but to be here and know it is a reality can, I think, ...

I walked the dogs earlier and while outside I got to thinking about some of the AREI information and how it corresponded to some things I had been thinking about; about how I needed to learn to beef up my ability to trust, have faith, and use my intuition.  This is something Irene kept trying to tell me our entire time together here, and something we experienced over and over - to pray, intend, and affirm, but then to trust that the things that unfolded for us were leading us where we wanted to go even though it may not seem like it. Our role in the unfolding is simply to walk down the path as it does so, not to try to make things happen the way we think they ought, or to try to hurry it up - no matter how impatient we may be. One of my issues has always been over-thinking things - as I've talked about in the past in this blog.  I think it's probably pretty hard for Irene or my spirit guides to put images or thoughts in my head when I keep it occupied all the time. I realize...

I'm remembering more of what I dream now, which is part of my intentions.  The dream I had before waking this morning didn't mean anything to me, but at least I did remember some of it when I woke. I'm in the process of doing the AREI Self-Guided Afterlife Connection to see if I can get anything out of it, and also it's another thing I can do to "make real" my intention of increasing my communication with Irene.  This morning I read some materials in that process that confirmed several things I had come to believe about what I've been experiencing. First and foremost, it confirmed the difference between things I deliberately imagine and things that just pop into my mind on their own. There is a big difference in those experiences, and the material confirms that the experiences I have of things just popping into my head does indeed come from outside of my imagination. These are things Irene, other loved ones or my spirit guides put into my head for m...

8:30 A.M. I woke up at 1:30 this morning after having a dream that had Irene in it.  She was only in it a few seconds, but it was more than any previous dream.  We were at a store and I had just bought an item of clothing and she took the bag and walked off while I looked at some cheap computers (I have been thinking lately about buying a cheap chromebook laptop).  A salesman was keeping an eye on me because he thought I was acting suspiciously.  He told me that he had a cheaper version of the computer I was looking at because they had to repaint it and it was in the back, and wanted to know if I wanted him to go get it. I told him yes, but while he was gone I decided to leave and walked away from the computers and looked for Irene.  She was sitting down in a waiting area and leaned forward when I looked her way.  She must have known I wanted to leave because she got up and walked up to me.  I don't know if we spoke but I realized I didn't know wh...

Last night I once again asked my spirit team for experiences and encouragements and did some meditative intentions before going to sleep.  I actually had another dream I wrote down in my dream book I keep beside the bed. In this dream, I was at a family reunion of some sort - I wasn't this identity, and the family wasn't my real-world family, but they were the "me" in the dream's family.  What stood out was that in the dream, my wife had recently died and, even though it had been some time since, I felt a profound sense of loss and of being alone. As the dream progressed I found myself at work, which felt like a facsimile of my old print shop job, and I still had that deep sense of loss and of being alone as the boss closed the back door and was preparing to close up shop.  I was doing something similar to uploading and deleting artwork, and was trying to explain to my boss something about the dot gain (old printer's reference) when I saw myself through his ...

Another really good morning so far.  Last night around 8pm I had a really, really good meditation - I felt like I could just stay in that zone for hours.  I felt like my astral body was trying to leave several times. Envisioning Irene is getting easier.  This morning I prayed while envisioning her praying with me, sitting beside me, and it was great!!  Then I had another really good meditation where I felt like I was trying to leave my body several times. The image of us being on a tropical beach or in and around the pool at our home on the other side has been popping up continuously in my mind.  Collecting images for my various afterlife Pinterest boards is giving me all sorts of deeply resonating imagery.  I think that finding things that resonate with your afterlife is a very good method of supporting intention. It's like I am building a stronger basis for the frequency at which Irene and I operate in the afterlife, drawing us closer together and keepi...

It's been a good morning. I prayed as if Irene was sitting next to me, holding my hand and praying along with me, and it was great!  Then I had a good meditation/intention/affirmation where I easily envisioned us together.  I spent time talking to Irene and my spirit team and realized I just need to keep talking to them, even if I feel like I'm whining too much, because talking out loud about all that is going on infuses my experience with a sense of reality about them, what we're doing, what we're trying to do, and the afterlife I envision. It makes it all more real for me to talk about it out loud, infusing it in all my daily activities.  That's pretty important - to make it feel real to me.  The normal physical world is unrelenting and pervasive, so I have to do whatever it takes to keep all of this fresh and infused in my consciousness and daily life. If that means acting like a crazy old man, oh well. After reading some in the Zammit's Facebook afte...

Today was a decent day.  Got to badly missing Irene a couple of times, but I'm sure that will continue as long as it takes to see her again.  I don't mind it, I embrace it.  Nothing wrong with missing the woman you love.  I tell her not to worry, that it's just the way it would be regardless of the situation if I didn't get to see her or hear her voice for months.  Most of the time, though, I talk to her and the others just as normally as I would talk to anyone here, only there's no responses you can hear. It would probably seem pretty crazy to most people, but actually I think it's what has made the situation as good and livable as it is.  I would really like to have some more experiences, though. I guess I'm the impatient one now.  Throughout our time together here she was always the impatient one, wondering why what we intended and affirmed didn't happen sooner or faster.  Now I feel her advising me that we will be back together soon enough...

I feel like I ought to explain a little about the "alternate reality" and "reality creation" stuff I've started talking about.  Sometimes I forget to provide enough context for people I don't know to make sense of what I'm saying or writing about. I have a couple of philosophy books - Anarchic Harmony and Unconditional Freedom - that were published in the mid-90's, both of which are out of print now.  In those books I described breaking out of socially-constructed thoughts and beliefs and living fearlessly from your own perspective and how I believed the world around you would move itself around to accommodate you. Well before I wrote those books, and before the car accident that should have killed us all (but which we stepped out of with very minor injuries), Irene and I were driving through the small country town we had met in on our way to the city for something and she suddenly told me to stop and back up.  I backed up and we were in front o...

Today the meditation was back to being really deep and giving me a "high", like a buzz. I also felt like my energetic inner body was trying several times to leave my physical body.  What a great sensation - it left me feeling very good. The meditations I use primarily now start with some controlled breathing and a mental focus on the patterns in the darkness in front of my eyes.  Something that has helped me today is just setting aside any concerns about my legs or feet going to sleep - if they do, I'll just have to take a few minutes to get them working right.  Apparently just that thought has dramatically changed my comfort level.  Also, I don't worry about sitting straight up - a relaxed position leaning slightly back is fine. This has also apparently helped a lot. After focusing on my sight, I have begun envisioning and imagining Irene's hand.  I can actually remember the sensation of what it is like to touch her hand - what her skin feels like.  Fo...

Yesterday morning I had two good meditations, but I've still felt this heavy chest sensation at times, like emotional pain waiting to happen.  It came up as a kind of panic attack in the afternoon, after which I asked the spirit team for some encouragement and in my mind I thought that I'd like to get something from the TV, like her name or something to give me assurance.  I calmed down rather quickly, made some lunch and I decided to watch Dark Matter and, in an interesting plot twist, the maker of the ship's android had made the android in her image to house her consciousness. The android maker's name was Irena.  I immediately validated and thanked Irene and the spirit team for the quick encouragement! This morning I woke up feeling great.  Gerra and I had a long discussion about all sorts of topics, including her mom, life after death, what we come here to learn, etc.  We watched Astral City - it was okay, but it didn't particularly resonate with me.  ...

I read the past few entries and here's something weird I noticed.  One day I have the best meditations I've had in a long, long time; two days later I'm writing that "for the past several days, I've been having trouble meditating". Okay, so that was literally not true, but yet that is actually what I remembered at the time. Remembering when I was experiencing grief, even then I noticed that when I was experiencing it, at the time it seemed utterly real to me that I had always felt that way and always would.  I would, at the time, be thinking it had been forever since I felt good, that I had been feeling miserable for days. I'd go back to the journal and discover to my shock that the day before I had felt great.  The grief also made me believe that even if I had wrote down that I had felt great, that I must have been lying to myself. This is so odd. I wonder if people who keep journals notice this kind of thing - a disparity between what they are thinking...

Well this hasn't been the greatest of days, but if this is my new "bad day", then I'll take it as huge progress. For the past few days it's been very difficult to get meditation in.  Here and there a really good one, but overall I've noticed it becoming more difficult, not easier.  They've been deeper when I am able to get into it, but it's been a challenge.  Today it's late and I haven't had a single good meditation today. Plus, I've felt totally out of sorts, moody and whiney.  My brain felt like it was someone else's all day long.  Maybe because of the weather lately? Who knows. Woke up with something irritating my good eye and that lasted all morning.  When you only have one functioning eye that kind of thing can be quite unsettling. Now my vision has been blurry all day. Just great. I threw some stuff out for trash day tomorrow and did a lot of crying over it, but it wasn't really all that bad - I think I just wanted to c...

Another good day.  I had to run into town to do some errands and had a nice talk with Irene about our lives on the other side. I'm thinking more in terms of what I imagine life would be like considering some of the circumstances I believe to be true about the astral worlds. I was also thinking (and talking with my spirit team) about the idea of "spiritual advancement" and how that idea doesn't resonate with me in the least. When I was younger and felt discontent most of the time, I looked to spiritual "enlightenment" or advancement as a means of quenching that discontent.  As I've mentioned, I used to meditate quite a bit and was doing so when Irene and I met.  I was also a vegetarian, complete non-drinker and non-smoker and used no recreational drugs whatsoever. However, it was actually being with Irene that gave me what I had always been looking for - complete satisfaction and fulfillment.  We talked about this often, how utterly satisfied and comp...

Today has been a really great day so far. I woke up feeling fantastic - whole, complete, totally connected to Irene, happy, enthusiastic with our progress and confident we will soon be able to actually visit with each other.  I did my morning meditation on the loveseat instead of the couch and it was immediately more comfortable than my couch position, my legs and feet did not go to sleep, and it was a very deep meditation.  I was able to visualize a very good intention of visiting Irene with good emotional quality.  It felt like I would, at some point, simply find myself with her in perfect clarity. This confidence in us and our ability to make our reality come into being feel so good and is so different from what I was feeling before I got the answer to my "why am I here" question.  I'm so very appreciative of my situation where I can pursue this goal to my heart's content without significant interference.  It's really amazing that when you think that it's...

Yesterday went really well. Spent about six hours with my siblings and their spouses and had a great time with no crash afterward.  Sounds like progress! Something I realized more last evening was that now I actually cherish the sensation of missing Irene at times - it no longer comes from a place in me as if I've lost her, but rather it comes from a place where it is sweet and anticipatory, like when she would be somewhere else for a while during her life.  My sister asked me at one point if I felt her presence.  Since I know she reads this blog, I want to answer her here: you can always tell when I don't feel her presence - that's when I'm kneeling by the side of the bed sobbing and praying.  I feel her presence constantly in my heart and mind or else I couldn't continue to function. When I miss her I am missing the ability to hear her, touch her, and see her and fully communicate and interact, but now I have a good foundation of knowing, throughout my whole ...